Golden Dawn was successful. Xav sent me a message telling me they got the analyzer tonight and are on their way. No casualties, on their side. But he is sure that the other ship lost a few men. JJ got nicked and Logan got hit in the shoulder. Both will be fine. Im glad. I miss them... Especially Logan. He was the only one that I could talk to who wouldnt judge me and would give me the real crap and not sugarcoat it.

In four days I will know what is wrong with me. In four days I will know why I am the way I am.

The migraines arent gone. Just... bearable. Sometimes I curl up in a ball and want to die from the sheer pain of it.

I hope this works. I hope that we can find out what is going on with me...

I am sitting at Firefly's tonight. Watching Sabrina dance, the patrons have fun. I downing vodka like it's water. I dont know why I dont get tipsy.

I received a message from Xav. He's not far from Ariel and they have the ship Plumb's contacts told him about. He should have the machine in his hands in a couple days. Then... they will come back. And when I go back to Golden Dawn, I will know what the gorram hell is happening to me.

I cant seem to control my moods much. I go from crying to angry to happy to morose in a matter of minutes. My head hurts terribly, all the time. Even morphene isnt helping much anymore. Maybe the vodka will numb me enough.

I watch everyone having fun and I feel sad and angry and... lonely.

Sad that I cant join them. Mad because they wont join me. Lonely because I know that I cant fix it.

Xav asked me if I am okay. The usual doctor stuff. And Bridge sent me some pictures. Something to replace the ones I sent off. She doesnt know I still have some. In Momma's trunk. Along with a tye dye bikini that I loved wearing. Maybe I should take care of them... I cant keep clinging to the past. But without much of a future, the past is all I have..

When you cant sleep, you have an amazing amount of time to think. Think about how I used to play in the Wastes. How my father looked, smiled, felt. How I faintly remember my mother and how she smelled. I thought about how their love was so strong and pure and amazing that she left her family and everything she knew to be with a man on a planet that really wasnt all that enjoyable.

Then I started thinking about how the Reavers smelled the day my father died. How they sounded and screamed and how they tore at my father. How they looked when they found out I was there. I thought about how my chest hurt as I was running from them, not only from the exhertion, but from the fact my heart was breaking.

I thought about how Sarge found me and killed the Reavers, saving me from something worse than death. Thought about how he smelled and felt and how he picked me up. I thought about how I felt oddly safe but scared and sad. How I spent time with him, learning how to be a lady. Wearing a dress for the first time. Makeup and pretties that made me feel like a girl for the first time. Then... the night he said he was going to sell me. And I thought about how I picked up that gun and killed him. No emotion.

My trust was broke. Lost... I couldnt trust anyone.

Trust is more powerful than love. Trust is more powerful than lust.

And then I thought about who I trust.

And I realized. I trust no one. Not even my cousin who was going to kill me at first. Not even Bridgette who as sweet as she is, I dont know anything about her. Anyone on the Golden Sun.

Even Captain Nack, and Chol and Amy and Derrick and Sabrina. Even Immi, Lauralai and Lorie.

I cant bring myself to trust anyone. Because in the end. Friends hurt friends. Whether it's intentional or on purpose.

I was living with half a heart when I met Td. And he took the other half. Promising me marriage, asking my father's spirit for permission. Making me trust him. For the first time ever.. I trusted him with that half a heart that I was carrying for nearly 10 years.

And now... I am without a heart. My chest is empty.

I dont hate him for leaving me. I hate him for killing that piece of me that I kept dear. The other half of my heart I could of saved for someone who would of kept it safe. Someone who wouldnt toss it away because they grew tired of me.

There is no such someone. And there never will be. I am content to live alone. It's my fate.

Today was the funeral. Or what Bridgette likes to call the disposal of my past.

Before Captain Plumb dispatched from the area, Bridgette asked him if we could borrow a canister and launch it into space. She told me to fill it with things that made me hurt.

So I did.

The corsage Td gave me at a wedding. Every picture, love letter, momento that even tied me to him. The necklace. Every present I received from him. Even the shirt that I took when he wasnt looking. When we were still together. I slept in it every night until a week ago.

I would of rather burned the whole lot. But I wanted it done with.

I didnt sleep last night. Instead I sat in my bunk, staring at the walls and out the window. I rented a room on Blackburne. Took my trunk and my cot. Bridgette made me take some kind of basket bed. But I wont sleep in it. Why waste it when I cant sleep?

The migrane is barely there today. And I feel sad. I dont know why the numb feeling is gone. And the black and white? I can see muted colors. But just around people. Bridgette and Xaviar and JJ... even some from Logan. But it's hit and miss on Blackburne. I see it around Chol and Nack... Jayne is vivid.. not muted like the others. I blink because I wonder if I am seing things. Why are some black and white and others are muted colors?

Golden Dawn leaves today. Captain Plumb says there is some prime picking over by Ariel. Said he was going to drop off some food.

I have a couple weeks to decide whether or night I will stay in Blackburne. Or maybe I should Immigrate to Hale's?

I woke up this morning. Or I thought I did. I wasnt sure what happened. My eyes opened. I know that. But instead of seeing colors, I am seeing in blacks and greys and whites. Muted shades and dull colors. If I didnt know better, I would think my coat was black not red. I would think my eyes were white and not yellow. I sat in bed. Staring at the wall and I realized, I could see very notch. Every rivit. Dimples of use and past occupants. My mind was calm. More calm than its been in the past few months. It was like... I was floating on a cloud. And most of all. Nothing hurt. No pain. No migraine. My thigh didnt even ache...

I barely noticed it when Xav came in. And the warmth I felt for him was gone. I felt nothing. I feel nothing. Even running into Immi and Td on the porch. I felt nothing. Happy, sad, scared nor amused. It was like a switch was pulled in my brain. And all my emotions were turned off. And with it my migraines. I know it confused and scared Xaviar. But this is how it will be.

I will take the trade. If I dont feel any pain. I will survive.

The meeting with Mr. Osterham went well. And he assured me that the agreement we shared would come to fruitation.

Oddly enough, as we talked, I could see muted colors from him. As if his intentions were so pure, they were breaking through my emotional barrier. And it was only with him. The church were we met was still muted greys and blacks and whites. But I could see the brown of his hair and of his jacket and I felt my migraine returning. I had to give myself a shot of morphene.

This will be what I will be. If I feel nothing, then I will not get hurt.

Unfortunately, even with Pandora's Box... Hope remains. Hope that this will work for me...

Now, as I was working today, I got to thinking about where I want to take Belize on Blackburne and I gave some loose little fences with the past month of logs. Granted, I took that time off to relax and take care of business off SL... also when I realized what I did it was time to chill and take some time for myself.

Okay... here's what we know...

1. Bel's eyes changed from blue to gold almost overnight. We are still unsure if it was gradual or sudden.
2. She's been having migranes for a couple of weeks. The intensity of them getting worse as weeks went by.
3. She spent over a month in the Black on the Golden Dawn.
4. And yes, she is still hurt over a relationship. You know what one.

We can work on any of those...

So here is something to help you when you are interacting with Bel. This can be worked with as much as possible.

WARNING! BACKSTORY!

Belize ran off with her cousin after a fight with a dear friend and sister. Ashamed of herself, she took herself out of the picture to get her head straight. In comes Golden Sun. After a month, Bel felt guilty and homesick so she decided to go back. Unknownst to her, being away for that long period of time changed her mentally and physically. She started getting migranes and her eyes changed from blue to yellow-gold. As time progressed, her migraines got worse and more severe and she started popping medication to even sedate it a little. When she finally made it back home, she found out something and it hurt her to the core. Remember... she's been out of the loop for a month. She didnt know how this relationship started or came about. She just remembers that when she left, it was told to her it was one thing and when she returned it was something bigger. She's gonna take it the wrong way. Anyone would. Bel's heart caved in and her migraine pounded. SHe left and headed back to the Golden Sun, Bel not having a place on Blackburne yet to stay. Xaviar is indeed worried about her and is going to get a machine to check her head. So Bel returns to Blackburne, but changed.

Okay! This is where it gets good. This can definetly be worked with.
And this is not happening to make anyone feel guilty in any way shape or form. This is simple human emotions. But remember, something is mentally wrong with Bel.
Bel's description and mood change the day after returning and it will help people be able to RP better with Bel if they know unspoken things.

Belize is emotionless, her eyes flat as she looks at you. Of course, she smiles when the purpose is there. But it never reaches her eyes. She seems to look right through you, not really seeing. Only focusing when she is spoken to. Her smile gracing her face as if it was an afterthought. Her skin is pale. Not at all surprising since she has been on a ship for a month. But her skin is pasty white, almost transluscent. She has lost weight. Her ample hips and rear that she was so proud is gone. Instead she looks drawn and stick thin. When she sits, she is perfectly still. Eyes staring off and unseeing. You can tell she cut her hair, the ends choppy as if cut by a knife or razor. She doesnt look bad. But she doesnt look like the old Bel.

So, there. I thought that since RPs tend to tumble over each other like crashy cars sometimes, it would be a good idea to put my idea out there for everyone to work with.

Hey everyone.

It has come to my attention that some people think that I am freaking out in RL over things happening in SL.

That's far from the truth. I was not going to say anything but the incident that happened on New Year's Eve was the aftermath of a bad day. I apologize to those that I offended or hurt. New years day has been a bad day for me for several years now. I lost several friends in a car accident when I was in school, and then some personal things happened that pretty much locked that day as the worse day of my life thus far. Far past my horrible and nasty marriage and divorce. And in essence, I lashed out at people that didnt deserve it. I let my reality smother my SL fantasy world and thus I hurt some friends of mine.

Bel is me in petite and courageous form. Sometimes her feelings are mine and mostly her passions are mine. And sometimes I accidently spill some of my RL stress into my fantasy world. It happens with the best of us.

So, as I am trying to build Bel up in SL with a nice chewy RP, I inadvertedly caused chaos. And for that I am sorry. So dearly sorry. Realize that most of what I post on this blog and RP on sl is just that.. fantasy. If I had a real problem with anyone, I would say something.

Life is too short to lose good friends like you all.

Thanks for reading this far...

Love you all and poke me on facebook!

Bel's only slightly psychotic player.

PS. My sudden departure from the club last night was an RP... also I found out that my sister in heart, Cadda Ninetails not only got married but is pregnant. So I had to go tackle her with love and kisses. SHHH! Dont say anything. It's supposed to be a secret for now.

PSS. I have started a blog in my cousin's perspective... drkiranov.blogspot.com.

It was a mistake coming home. It was too soon, I suspect. I itched to call Xav and tell him to get me. Even his transmission telling me Plumb was still in the area in case I changed my mind couldnt make me feel better.

Before I headed to Firefly's, I spend the better part of an hour in the church. Yea... me in church. Was always in the mindset that the only thing a church was good for was weddings and funerals. But I sat there, staring at the cross and wondering if I would be strong enough to face everyone.

When the time came, I sucked in a breath and went in. I was welcomed back and I felt better. Felt nervous still, but better. I crossed that hump. As I drank and watched Amy dance and listened to Chol's music... which I missed so much. I kept going over the conversation Logan and I had that night. How sometimes it doesnt work out the way I want or wish.

Gorram my leg hurt tonight. I think this one is going to be a problem. I know I am not supposed to drink with pain meds, but with the migraine and the leg pain, I would of taken a lot more. Xav mentioned that the bullet tore a good chunk of my muscle. I may have a permanant limp.

Great. Nothing says eat me more than hobbling from a Reaver.

As I watched and listened, alot of things occured to me. Will I ever feel comfortable again around Blackburne? And most important, was Blackburne well supplied since I left?

I made a quick call to another supplier, not really wanting to see the perverts again so soon.

I meet with him tomorrow. Hopefully he has what I need. It will be good to see a familiar and friendly face.

Since I have no place in Blackburne at the moment, I gave a call to Xav and explained the situation, thankfully he didnt pull the I told you so, bit. He said Plumb was willing to stick around for a while, get some supplies and so forth and I flew the Gnat up to meet him. Bridge was happy to see me, and she told me that everything will be okay. She seems to know when I am stressed about something.

My migraine rages on, and the scary part is I am getting used to it. My eyes turning a more orange color every day. Xav is desperate for a machine to check my brain, but it's not something we have in the pantry. Looks like I will have to worry about my cousin and his band of "Aquisition Specialists" making a visit to a Core world and "aquiring".

Today I woke up in a good mood. Yesterday’s haul was successful. There were a few fighters, and I took out one. I think that would be my first real kill. Sarge doesn’t count. I didn’t come out unscathed. My thigh still throbs from where Xav pulled out that bullet. Wasn’t my first, won’t be the last. Logan actually joked with me about being a virgin in the wound department. That was before Bridge took off my shirt and I was standing there in just my bra and pants. That’s when Logan noticed the numerous bullet scars thanks to the Raiders last year. He asked me what happened and I told him about the Raiders, how they were going to shoot the civilians in Blackburne, so I jumped in front and took their fire. How I was out for awhile. Almost died… Xav never heard that story and he was pretty upset. I could feel it even though he never said a word. We seem to be connecting on that level. It’s nice to have blood so close to me.

After me telling them about some of the tales of Blackburne and all the Reavers and Raiders and Feral Mutants, Xav let me go back to my bunk. JJ and Logan helped me along as I was mostly hopping, and they finally let me get some rest after telling them that unless they want to give me a sponge bath and change me into my jammies, they better leave. They both left pretty quickly, although it looked like JJ was gonna say something.

The night was restless, but thanks to the pain meds that Xav gave me, I felt no pain. But the dreams… It was so weird; so vivid and so colorful. I could swear I was there. I was walking through Blackburne, everyone was there. Nack and Laur and Lorie, Td and Sabrina and Immi and Lily… Gark, Gray, Amy and Chol and Grei. Everyone. Everyone I love and care for. My adopted family. They were laughing and having fun; dancing and drinking and just plain enjoying themselves. As I was walking by, I noticed they weren’t paying attention to me. It was like I was invisible. I would talk to someone and they would stare past me like I wasn’t there. It was disturbing. And then I walked into the bar and everyone was there, as if they magically appeared the minute I walked in. And when I stood there, I noticed that no one was moving. They were laying on the floor, draped across the bar. Everyone was dead… everyone I loved was dead. It was if a massacre happened. Blood was everywhere, floor and walls.

Needless to say, I woke up hard; nearly falling out of my bunk and falling on my ass. I noticed I was bleeding again through my bandages so I fixed that, glad I had my medical bag next to the bunk. The entire time I was thinking about the dream. Wondering what it meant… wondering if it meant something. Wondering if it meant that people could die if I wasn’t there and that is when I realized that I was scared that if I wasn’t there, someone I love could die.

I couldn’t sleep after that and so I hopped to my cortex and found that Captain Plumb was true to his word and credited me some credits in one of the many accounts Xav and I had. So I sent 3,000 credits into Nack’s account. Anonymously, of course.

That is when I noticed the crutches next to the door with a note attached. Xav and Bridgette found them in one of the medical crates and decided I would need them more than anything. So I got dressed and crutched my way to the kitchen to make some tea and sit and think. It was a long process; debating if this trip was necessary to clear my head when my guilt was so overwhelming with leaving my family on Blackburne. I wouldn’t give up any time with Xav. But am I truly happy here? 

The others finally came in for breakfast, Bridgette making some kind of porridge slop thingy that tasted fantastic of course. That girl could make sand into a gourmet meal. And make it taste delicious.

After the breakfast I made my announcement. I was going to return home. I think it was time for me. I needed to go back if not to quench my guilt, but because I have felt a sense of overwhelming homesickness for the past couple weeks. And I have been getting migraines lately; just overwhelming headaches at times. Even pain meds won’t help it. Xav has mentioned that maybe I am so used to the radioactivity on Blackburne it’s like I cant live without it. That being away from home for so long is physically hurting me. So that is one reason to go back. The second… was the dream. It actually did scare me. So much it was time to go back.

That is when JJ said something... something that made everyone else stop short in confusion.

“Hey Bel, weren’t your eyes blue?”

Xav was on me like a Reaver on a Blackburne Militia member. Checking my eyes and freaking out like he usually does when it comes to Bridgette and me. My eyes WERE blue; blue like my mother’s, with hints of green from my father.

Now they were yellowish orange; bright and eerie and weird. Just weird. Bridgette grabbed a mirror for me and I looked in horror at my new eye color. They were blue yesterday. They were normal yesterday. Why would they change like that? And then I remembered stories others told on Blackburne. How the planet changed things about them; eye colors and abilities. I don’t have abilities. Except I understand medicine very easily. And I tend to know how a person is feeling. But other than that…

Maggie seemed creeped out and left, JJ… well, he was excited and eager to look and ask questions about this place that changes people’s eyes. Logan was just as quiet as ever. Plumb wandered off to change course towards Blackburne, eager it seems to get me off his ship for fear I turn into some kind of monster, I guess.

Xav and Bridge helped me to the medical bay and he examined me. He checked my bandage and my head. We figured the migraines were the symptoms my eyes were gonna change or something. Bridgette signed that she kinda liked the color; makes me more… hardcore and not so soft… which Xav agreed but not as happily. After being poked and prodded and scanned and jabbed, Xav let me go back to my bunk and Plumb was there. Told me that it will take about 4 days to get to Blackburne and he planned on some “farming” between now and then. I agreed and said I would help out however I could.

And that was that. Im going home. Changed more than I thought I would be.

Am I harder? Maybe. Am I wiser? Never. Will I learn? Everyday.

But now that I have chopped off all my hair, my eyes have changed and I have a harder resolve, I think I can survive a lot better.

I agonized. Oh by the sun, I agonized. I agonized so much I actually hurt. My chest, my head, my body ached from the sheer thought of agonizing. I stared at the wall, stared at the door... stared at the picture of Blackburne. Stared at the last picture of Td, Sabs, Immi... everyone. The last time we were really truly happy. The group picture of us standing in the old bar before Nack moved us to the new one. I stared at it until I couldnt blink. I stared until I felt my brain start to numb.

I nearly screamed when the knock came to my door. I didnt realize I was crying. So I wiped my face and took a few breaths then opened it.

It was Logan. He said he was passing by and felt the need to knock and see how I was doing.

I meant to be strong. No crying in pirating, so I have been told. I thought I was over that. Thought I was strong enough to be able to look someone in the eye and say the two words that could make them walk on and not worry...

I'm Okay...

I wasnt. The minute Logan asked me if I was okay, I spilled. I couldnt stop. If I wasnt crying so hard, it would be hilarious how his face looked. Like he would rather french kiss a Reaver than handle a crying woman.

I dont know how I got to the bed, I suppose he ushered me or I wandered over. But when I was finished, I looked up and he was sitting on my chair looking at me. All he asked me is if I was okay now.

No.

But I will be. I think I needed that. I never really grieved. Never really grieved over anything. Not even my father... It was all, get over it and move on. Be strong and dont show weakness and I realized, I needed to show some weakness. I needed to show that I was human and not some crazy woman with no heart. I needed to get that crying over... to let the past 10 years be in the past.

Then I talked. I told Logan everything. From my father dying, to killing Sarge, and everything about TD and Immi and the bar, Nack and Laur and Lorie and every patron I have ever been in contact with. My dancing and learning to be a doctor and... just everything. It was like every essence in my body was screaming at me to let it out. Every instance. Every article.

Told him how reavers dont scare me, but Raiders scare the heck out of me. How I nearly had a heart attack with the news from Blackburne and how I missed it so much I almost asked Maggie to drop me off and I could find my way back. So close to just walking away without a word with just the clothes off my back. So close I almost called Nack to come get me.

We stared at each other for the longest time and then he said something that surprised me.

"Sometimes the reflection in the mirror isnt who we want it to be. Sometimes we have to learn to live with it. But sometimes we have to learn to change it. From what you told me, you were selfish and untrusting. Dont get me wrong, that is very admirable traits for someone who has been through what you have been through before your relationship. But now it's time to grow up and realize your potential. To learn that not everyone is out to get you and that your life isnt as bad as you think."

Okay.. that is the most I have heard from Logan EVER. But I wanted to argue. I wanted to say that he was wrong. I wasnt selfish and untrusting. But I knew he was right. I was selfish. I was untrusting. Living in the Wastes, I had to learn to think for myself. To not trust anyone for fear they would sell me into slavery or worse.

Then I realized. I was horrible. I was the most horrible human being ever. Worse than Alliance, worse than Raiders, worse than reavers. At least you know what you get with them. With me... What did I do? What did I become? Some heartless wench who played people like chess pieces to get what she wanted and then cried when no one played nice. What the hell was I doing?

I hurt people. I hurt them and then cried because it didnt go right for me. I dont deserve to go back to Blackburne. I dont deserve to go back to my friends. Not until I learn humility. Not until I learn that I cant do that to anyone again.

Then it was my turn to suprise Logan. I asked him to let me be in the next aquisition. To hold a gun and help them. It was time to stop standing in the shadows and hope that I dont get hit. Its time to face it all and learn to be as humble and selfless as anyone else. Xav and Bridge may be angry. But I have to grow up.

Its about damned time.

I need to grow up. Learn to accept that I am indeed not the victim.

First... I have to cut my hair. Bridge will do that. And along with other things.

Logan was great and I think he just about blew a gasket when I hugged him then threw him out of my room. Told him to get Bridge for me. And a pair of scissors or something.

Its time for Belize to grow up and that means complete overhaul.